Don't get mad, get educating!

by Toni L.P. Kelner

There are a lot of things people say to writers that just make us crazy. One of my least-favorites came up when one of my husband's colleagues--I'll call him George--asked, "So, are you still writing?" 

My usual reaction to this question is to start planning vengeance. Which means that I, as a mystery writer, cast the asker as the victim in a particularly gruesome murder victim in my next book. We're talking messy, nasty death, people! 

So why does this particular question make me homicidal? It's the implied assumptions behind the words. "So, are you still writing or did you get a real job?" or "Why I haven't heard about your books being made into a movie or a TV show?" or "Aren't you making enough money that your husband can quit his job?"

Honestly, when was the last time you ran into a doctor and asked, "So, are you still treating patients?" Do you ever ask an engineer if she's still engineering, or a chef if he's still cooking? Or do you assume that doctors, engineers, and chefs are in professions, and that one doesn't just simply stop practicing a profession? George may not realize this, but writing is a profession, too.

Now I could fuss about George and other George-like beings all day long, but the real culprit isignorance. George doesn't know many writers, and therefore doesn't know what to say to us. Maybe, just maybe all the Georges of the world really need is a little education. So I have put together a list of some of the conversational gambits that annoy me most along with suggested ways to keep me from killing some misguided George in my next mystery.

 

DON'T SAY: Are you still writing? About all I can politely reply is "Yes, I am," because saying, "George, you are an idiot!" isn't polite. Then again, neither is the implication that I've had to give up working at the career I've always wanted.

SAY: So, Toni, how is the writing biz? This gives me many polite choices. "Not bad. How's consulting?" "Pretty good, actually. Just got a new contract." "Terrible! Amazon is ruining this business." "Fantastic! Amazon is saving this business." And none of these result in a fictionally slaughtered George.

 

DON'T SAY: I've always wanted to write a book if I could just find the time. I have at times replied, "Really, because I've always wanted to create a web site/develop a new surgical procedure/design a nuclear plant in my free time." But the Georges of the world frequently miss the point, and that point is this. I had to learn to be a writer, and I had to love writing, and I needed talent. So why do people think that all they need is spare time?

SAY: I've always admired writers. Perfect. I can go modest: "That's sweet, but I could never do what you do." I can go conversational: "I've always felt that way, too. What writers do you read?" Or I can even go big: "I think writers are the guardians of mankind's soul." Okay, maybe not that last one. Even if it's true.

 

DON'T SAY: I've got an idea for a book. If you write it, we can split the money. That gets us back to, "I've got a great idea for a surgical procedure. If you practice it on some of your patients and they don't die, we can split the money." The truth is, ideas are cheap. It's not the idea that makes a successful novel or story--it's the execution. Even if your idea appeals to me, I have no interest in doing 100% of the execution for 50% of the pay.

SAY: I've got an idea for a book. Do you know how I would go about finding a ghost writer? Or do you know any introductory writing books I could read or classes I could take?

 

DON'T SAY: Wow, a writer! You must be rich! Very few writers are rich. It pains me to admit that, but it's true. We're like other entertainers--for every George Clooney and Angelina Jolie, there are thousands of actors you've never heard of waiting on tables to make ends meet.  

SAY: Wow, a writer! Just stop after that. Didn't your mother teach you not to discuss money with people?

 

DON'T SAY: How much do you get for writing one of them things, anyway? How would you like it if I asked you how much money you make? You shouldn't ask a writer that any more than you'd ask somebody what their salary is. Even other writers aren't supposed to ask that!

SAY: Nice day, if it doesn't rain. Remember your mother--don't discuss money with people!

 

DON'T SAY: Why don't you go on Oprah? Gosh, why didn't I think of that? Seriously, given the fact that an appearance on a national show like Oprah virtually guarantees increased sales, don't you think I'd do it if I could? The fact is, Oprah and other national shows pick and choose their guests very carefully. Publicists do their best to get their authors on TV, but it's not up to the us.

SAY: I know Oprah personally--would you like me to give her a copy of your book? Okay, I'm dreaming, but honestly, it's not helpful to make suggestions unless you can make them happen.  If not, how about You really speak about your work well--I bet you'd be great on TV. 

 

DON'T SAY: Why don't you write a children's book? Or ...a romance? Or ...a screenplay? Most writers write what they love, and with luck, we're good at writing what we love. With even more luck, we gain a certain measure of success in our chosen field, and really don't want to start over again in a new field. Besides which, I don't know a thing about writing screenplays, and I'm not all that interested in learning. Again, compare it to other professions. Do you ask a tax lawyer why he doesn't go into criminal work, or a management consultant why she doesn't switch to ballet dancing? 

SAY: I love your books. I'm dreaming again, aren't I? Then try this. How did you decide to write the kinds of books you write?

 

That's probably enough fussing for one post. Honestly, I don't know if any Georges will read or digest my suggestions, but if posting this prevents the fictional mangling of just one George, its be worth the effort.

So what about you other writers? What comments and questions make you want to prove that your pen is mightier than the sword by using it upside somebody's head? And what can people say instead?

Comments

[Donna Andrews]

Oh, Toni! So many possibilities!

In 2001 I left my day job to write full time, and I can't tell you how many times people have asked "So how do you like retirement?" or "How do you like not working?" Particularly galling when you're slaving away to meet a deadline.

Instead, I'd recommend, "So is it difficult to organize your time without the structure of an eight to five office schedule? Is it lonely, having no coworkers nearby? Do you sometimes miss the regular biweekly paychecks?"

Actually, I'd settle for "Boy, I wish I had your commute!"

[krisneri]

YES! Great post, Toni. You've mentioned all the remarks that also make me crazy. Unfortunately, there are so many Georges out there. I don't think they mean to be rude, they're just completely clueless. I imagine most aren't readers, and they simply can't fathom how words happen to find their way onto pages. With others, though, I suspect it's that they don't consider writing -- or any of the arts -- as a grown-up way to make a living. That says something particularly sad about them IMO.

[Toni LP Kelner]

Donna, that's definitely one to add to the list.

Kris, I daresay you've given an accurate analysis of the original "George."

[Elaine Viets]

You hit them all, Toni. But here's another one, usually said with a big smile: "I love you books and I get them all at the used bookstore."
Rather than lecture the reader that writers don't get royalties on used books, I try to say, "Thank you for reading me. And my books are all at the library, too."
At least with library books, we get some royalties.

[Donna Andrews]

I think another one that bugs me is when people ask me "Where can I get it? Is it on Amazon"

Okay, it only bugs me when I'm IN a bookstore--especially if it's an independent bookstore that could really use every bit of business to stay alive.

[Jess Lourey]

Excellent post! True AND funny.

[Clea Simon]

Right on, Toni. I will have to make use of some of your answers. The only one I'd add is one that doesn't really require a response. It's when people - always nonwriters - come up to me and announce, "I'm going to write a book as soon as I have time." I have learned to smile and nod. In moments of wickedness, I have even offered to read it when they're done.

[Dana]

All of these, Toni--great alternatives! Out doing errands, folks behind the counter have asked me variations on "so, how do you get an agent?" and "briefly, how do you write a book?" This with a line of ten harassed-looking folks behind me. The quickest way is to slide over my card, say, "I have tips for writers on my website." Smile apologetically at the line. Flee, head down.

The variation on "Oprah" I run into a lot is "you should make a movie? Why haven't you gone to Hollywood, and sent your books around? No, really, why haven't you?" Oy.

[Hank Phillippi]

Still laughing! How about.."my fill in the blank family member or pal just wrote a book-- can you just read it and tell her if it's good? And then send it to your agent?

Sigh.....

[Charlaine Harris]

This was so funny, Toni. In my favorite instance, a woman emailed me to ask if her 12-year-old could "shadow" me for a day, since that was a school assignment. What did she think I would do that was interesting to a kid? I sit in front of a computer. I type, or I stare in frozen silence at the screen. It's not like I act the books out!