by
Marcia Talley
THIS POSTING IS COMING TO YOU FROM TOP RACK MARINA AT THE HEAD OF THE DISMAL SWAMP CANAL IN VIRGINIA, WHICH -- SADLY -- IS CLOSED DUE TO HURRICANE MATTHEW. I'M ABOARD IOLANTHE, THE 41-FOOT SAILBOAT THAT WILL BE OUR FLOATING HOME FOR THE NEXT 6 WEEKS. TIED UP AMONG ALL THE OTHER VESSELS THAT ARE MAKING THE GREAT FALL PASSAGE TOWARD THE LAND OF THE SUN, I WAS REMEMBERED THIS BLOG FROM TWO YEARS AGO AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WORTH A RERUN. POSTING WHILE THE INTERNET SIGNAL IS STILL AVAILABLE! -- Marcia
Over the course of our long marriage, Barry and I have owned five sailboats, starting with a 16-foot knockabout featuring a “self-bailing cockpit” that didn’t. Kiev Sea dumped half of the musical talent of the eastern seaboard into the Chesapeake Bay at one time or another, before being replaced by a succession of incrementally larger vessels, each “previously owned” and wearing a name on the hull that we’d never have chosen, thank you, not in a million years.
Superstitious mariners believe that it’s bad luck to change the name of a vessel, so what does one do when an otherwise acceptable boat joins your family bearing a moniker that, pardon me, you wouldn’t be caught dead sailing, a name like Iwannafeelya or Dijabringabeeralong?
You change the name, of course, while being careful to placate the mighty gods of the sea – Poseidon, Neptune, even The Little Mermaid -- by destroying all traces of the previous name, then sacrificing a bottle of fine bubbly over the bow. Purists would insist on sailing the vessel backwards over the equator, then tossing the old name plates overboard, but Barry and I settled for the bubbly, both to christen the bow and lubricate the crew.
Naming a boat can be harder than naming a child. You want to choose a name that the boat can live up to – for that reason, I’d avoid Titanic Too, Molly Brown or Das Broke.
Humor is appreciated – especially by the Coast Guard – if done tastefully. If not, well, it may be a big, beer-fueled hee-haw to watch people laugh and point out your boat, but who wants to repeat over the VHF radio, “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is the Master Baiter.”
If you’re a long-distance cruiser, you should take pity on the hundreds of hardworking (and lonely!) lift bridge tenders along the 1089 miles of the Intracoastal Waterway that stretches from Norfolk to Miami who are required to record the names of all vessels that pass under. Do you really want to spell out Esprit de Famille every time you pick up the radio to request a bridge opening? Or Ptarmigan?
And pity the marina and harbor masters, too, who respond to your calls to request docking. If you're not careful you could get caught up in a classic "Who's on First" routine:
"Hope Town Marina, Hope Town Marina, G'day Mate."
"Good day to you, too. Who is the vessel calling?"
"G'day Mate."
"What is your boat name, please?"
"G'day Mate."
"I know, it's a lovely day in the Abacos, Captain, but what is the name of your vessel?"
According to Amazon, nobody’s yet written a book, “What To Name the Boat,” but there are a number of websites that can help you with that including Name That Boat and Boat U.S.
There are boat name generators, too, and Hilarious Boat Names has its own Facebook page.
I’ve tried to categorize some of the names we’ve run across in our nautical travels, grouping them in a way that made sense to me after a couple of glasses of the aforementioned bubbly.
So here goes:
Sometimes boats are named after the wife or girlfriend of the owner, but I’d recommend daughters. They are less likely to change:
A One Anna Tuna
April Fool
Claireboyant
Kat-Astrophe
Mandy’s Mink
Penny Pinchin’
Victoria at Sea
Or the name might hint at who’s on board:
Amateur Hour
Four Part Harmony
Lady and the Tramp
Salesman Ship
Snap, Shackle and Pop
Two’s Company
Tyme 4 2 2 Play
We Two
Working Man
Boating can be expensive:
A Crewed Interest
Bankers Hours
Exit Strategy
In D Red
Liquid Assets
The Loan Ranger
Tuition
As a former government contractor, my favorite in the financial category is a honking big cabin cruiser, Change Order, towing a dinghy named Original Contract.
There’s Medical:
Pair-o-docs
Biopsea
I.V. League
Pharma-Sea
Sea-Section
Sir Osis of the River
And just plain Clever:
For Sail
Maid of Plywood
Moor Often Than Knot
Pier Pressure
Slipless in Seattle
Waterfront Property
Sometimes leading to Outrageous Puns. (Permission to groan granted):
Dock Holiday
Hoosier Daddy
My Miss Stress
Seize the Bay
Victoria’s Sea Crate
Own a fishing boat? How about:
Baits Motel
Just for the Halibut
Marlin Monroe
Reel Time
Rig-a-Tony
Shameless Hooker
The Codfather
There’s the Sophomoric (the guys are usually guilty here):
Breaking Wind
Blow Me
Bow Movement
Dixie Enormous
For Play
My Dixie Wrecked
Wasted Seamen
Wet Dream
Although one boat we saw (skippered by a woman!) was named Sea-Cup.
There are variations on ship:
Bull Ship
Chickenship
Piece of Ship
Ship Happens
Shipfaced
And sloop:
Campbell’s Sloop
Duck Sloop
Sloop du Jour
Sea is always popular:
Constant Sea
FantaSea
Sea Clusion
Sea Duction
Sea Nile
Sea Sun Ticket
Tip Sea
Sea Yawl Later!
And buoy:
Buoy, Oh Buoy
Buoys and Gulls
Buoys in the Hood
Knotty Buoys
And the variations on knot are endless.
Knot Big Enough
Knot My Job
Knot Paid IV
Knot Working
Knot Guilty (is the captain a lawyer?)
If you’re the skipper of a new catamaran, the sky’s the limit:
Aristocat
Cat’s Meow
Cattitude
Catatonic
Nauti-Cat
Top Cat
And finally, there’s the totally obscure:
Dances With Sheep
Puckered Penguin
Shoot Low They’re Riding Chickens
(Don’t ask me! I haven’t a clue.)
I’d always liked Walter Cronkite’s sailboat, Assignment. “Honey, if anyone calls, tell them I’m on Assignment.” For similar reasons, any number of boats have been named The Office. Perhaps my next boat will be named, The Final Draft.
THE END
Thanks for the morning laughs Marcia.
Posted by: Kristopher | May 01, 2014 at 05:55 AM
Marcia - Only YOU could come up with such a funny post!!!!You've obviously spent way too much time on the water with the bubbly!!!! :-)
Posted by: Barbara Holderby | May 01, 2014 at 06:44 AM
Thanks, it was fun to write. And Barbara I was totally sober!
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 01, 2014 at 06:55 AM
Great post, Marcia dear! I will be sniggering all day. That's at least a year's worth of puns.
And reminds me of the time we took Kayti to England when she was six and she kept a journal of every pub name we passed. Still have it somewhere...
Posted by: Deborah Crombie | May 01, 2014 at 07:42 AM
Debs, I had a friend who collected names of New York City cab drivers!
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 01, 2014 at 08:08 AM
Fabulous! lovely way to start the day. xoo
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | May 01, 2014 at 08:21 AM
How do you sink a 40-foot cabin cruiser? There's an IV League docked near me, undoubtedly owned by a doctor. Whenever I see it and remember the medical bills I've paid, I'm tempted to set the thing on fire.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | May 01, 2014 at 08:38 AM
Elaine, I felt the same way about Bi-op-Sea. To think that the money they made on tests to diagnose cancer was spent on a pleasure craft! Ugh.
Water in the gas tank will do!
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 01, 2014 at 08:43 AM
Wonderful!
Posted by: Lauren | May 01, 2014 at 10:02 AM
I remember that self-bailing cockpit.
Posted by: Kitty | May 01, 2014 at 02:11 PM
Kitty, you were one of the first dunkees!
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 01, 2014 at 08:13 PM
Great fun, Marcia. My dad came up with a couple, the first: "Blo Peep", then came: "Oola" (no extra la needed), and last was: "Nautigal". As for me I'll have the Sloop du Jour, sil vous plait.
Posted by: Paul Warner | May 02, 2014 at 05:01 PM
Paul, thanks for the memories!!
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 03, 2014 at 07:31 AM
Frankly, I loved "The Kiev Sea." I still think it is a fine name for a musician's boat.
Posted by: Linda Sprenkle | May 03, 2014 at 04:13 PM
SO great! Love this. I am SO impressed that you kept track. YOu are SUCH a writer! xooxo
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | October 20, 2016 at 05:19 AM
I loved some of those obscure ones you put in at the end. And I really want to know the stories behind them.
Posted by: Mark | October 20, 2016 at 08:49 AM
You win in the didn't have a lot of fun in Virginia that weekend contest. I at least got to enjoy Mathew from inside my house. Just wish the schedule had been reversed - tropical storm after replacing leaking window would have been preferable.
Posted by: D Marie | October 31, 2016 at 09:40 AM