What (Not to?) Name the Boat!

by

Marcia Talley

For many, Memorial Day marks the beginning of the boating season.  As my husband and I made our way back up the Intracoastal Waterway last week -- dodging speeding motorboats, maniac jet ski drivers and, yes, even parasailors -- in the narrow channel, I was reminded of this blog post from several years ago. -- Marcia

Over the course of our long marriage, Barry and I have owned five sailboats, starting with a 16-foot knockabout featuring a “self-bailing cockpit” that didn’t.  Kiev Sea dumped half of the musical talent of the eastern seaboard into the Chesapeake Bay at one time or another, before being replaced by a succession of incrementally larger vessels, each “previously owned” and wearing a name on the hull that we’d never have chosen, thank you, not in a million years. 

Superstitious mariners believe that it’s bad luck to change the name of a vessel, so what does one do when an otherwise acceptable boat joins your family bearing a moniker that, pardon me, you wouldn’t be caught dead sailing, a name like Iwannafeelya or Dijabringabeeralong?  

 

 

You change the name, of course, while being careful to placate the mighty gods of the sea – Poseidon, Neptune, even The Little Mermaid -- by destroying all traces of the previous name, then sacrificing a bottle of fine bubbly over the bow.  Purists would insist on sailing the vessel backwards over the equator, then tossing the old name plates overboard, but Barry and I settled for the bubbly, both to christen the bow and lubricate the crew.

Naming a boat can be harder than naming a child.  You want to choose a name that the boat can live up to – for that reason, I’d avoid Titanic Too, Molly Brown or Das Broke. 

Humor is appreciated – especially by the Coast Guard – if done tastefully. If not, well, it may be a big, beer-fueled hee-haw to watch people laugh and point out your boat, but who wants to repeat over the VHF radio, “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is the Master Baiter.”

If you’re a long-distance cruiser, you should take pity on the hundreds of hardworking (and lonely!) lift bridge tenders along the 1089 miles of the Intracoastal Waterway that stretches from Norfolk to Miami who are required to record the names of all vessels that pass under.  Do you really want to spell out Esprit de Famille every time you pick up the radio to request a bridge opening? Or Ptarmigan?

And pity the marina and harbor masters, too, who respond to your calls to request docking.  If you're not careful you could get caught up in a classic "Who's on First" routine:

"Hope Town Marina, Hope Town Marina, G'day Mate."

"Good day to you, too.  Who is the vessel calling?"

"G'day Mate."

"What is your boat name, please?"

"G'day Mate."

"I know, it's a lovely day in the Abacos, Captain, but what is the name of your vessel?"

According to Amazon, nobody’s yet written a book, “What To Name the Boat,” but there are a number of websites that can help you with that including Name That Boat and Boat U.S.

There are boat name generators, too, and Hilarious Boat Names has its own Facebook page.

I’ve tried to categorize some of the names we’ve run across in our nautical travels, grouping them in a way that made sense to me after a couple of glasses of the aforementioned bubbly.

So here goes:

Sometimes boats are named after the wife or girlfriend of the owner, but I’d recommend daughters. They are less likely to change:

A One Anna Tuna

April Fool

Claireboyant

Kat-Astrophe

Mandy’s Mink

Penny Pinchin’

Victoria at Sea

 

Or the name might hint at who’s on board:

Amateur Hour

Four Part Harmony

Lady and the Tramp

Salesman Ship

Snap, Shackle and Pop

Two’s Company

Tyme 4 2 2 Play

We Two

Working Man

Boating can be expensive:

A Crewed Interest

Bankers Hours

Exit Strategy

In D Red

Liquid Assets

The Loan Ranger

Tuition

 As a former government contractor, my favorite in the financial category is a honking big cabin cruiser, Change Order, towing a dinghy named Original Contract.

There’s Medical:

Pair-o-docs

Biopsea

I.V. League

Pharma-Sea

Sea-Section

Sir Osis of the River

 

And just plain Clever:

For Sail

Maid of Plywood

Moor Often Than Knot

Pier Pressure

Slipless in Seattle

Waterfront Property

Sometimes leading to Outrageous Puns.  (Permission to groan granted):

Dock Holiday

Hoosier Daddy

My Miss Stress

Seize the Bay

Victoria’s Sea Crate

 

Own a fishing boat? How about:

Baits Motel

Just for the Halibut

Marlin Monroe

Reel Time

Rig-a-Tony

Shameless Hooker

The Codfather

 

There’s the Sophomoric (the guys are usually guilty here):

Breaking Wind

Blow Me

Bow Movement

Dixie Enormous

For Play

My Dixie Wrecked

Wasted Seamen

Wet Dream 

Although one boat we saw (skippered by a woman!) was named Sea-Cup.

 

There are variations on ship:

Bull Ship

Chickenship

Piece of Ship

Ship Happens

Shipfaced

 

And sloop:

Campbell’s Sloop

Duck Sloop

Sloop du Jour

 

Sea is always popular:

Constant Sea

FantaSea

Sea Clusion

Sea Duction

Sea Nile

Sea Sun Ticket

Tip Sea

Sea Yawl Later!

 And buoy:

Buoy, Oh Buoy

Buoys and Gulls

Buoys in the Hood

Knotty Buoys

 

And the variations on knot are endless.

Knot Big Enough

Knot My Job

Knot Paid IV

Knot Working

Knot Guilty (is the captain a lawyer?)

 

If you’re the skipper of a new catamaran, the sky’s the limit:

 Aristocat

Cat’s Meow

Cattitude

Catatonic

Nauti-Cat

Top Cat

 

And finally, there’s the totally obscure:

Dances With Sheep

Puckered Penguin

Shoot Low They’re Riding Chickens

(Don’t ask me!  I haven’t a clue.)

 

I’d always liked Walter Cronkite’s sailboat, Assignment. “Honey, if anyone calls, tell them I’m on Assignment.” For similar reasons, any number of boats have been named The Office.  Perhaps my next boat will be named, The Final Draft.

 

THE END

 

Comments

[Kristopher]

Thanks for the morning laughs Marcia.

[Barbara Holderby]

Marcia - Only YOU could come up with such a funny post!!!!You've obviously spent way too much time on the water with the bubbly!!!! :-)

[Marcia Talley]

Thanks, it was fun to write. And Barbara I was totally sober!

[Deborah Crombie]

Great post, Marcia dear! I will be sniggering all day. That's at least a year's worth of puns.

And reminds me of the time we took Kayti to England when she was six and she kept a journal of every pub name we passed. Still have it somewhere...

[Marcia Talley]

Debs, I had a friend who collected names of New York City cab drivers!

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Fabulous! lovely way to start the day. xoo

[Elaine Viets]

How do you sink a 40-foot cabin cruiser? There's an IV League docked near me, undoubtedly owned by a doctor. Whenever I see it and remember the medical bills I've paid, I'm tempted to set the thing on fire.

[Marcia Talley]

Elaine, I felt the same way about Bi-op-Sea. To think that the money they made on tests to diagnose cancer was spent on a pleasure craft! Ugh.

Water in the gas tank will do!

[Lauren]

Wonderful!

[Kitty]

I remember that self-bailing cockpit.

[Marcia Talley]

Kitty, you were one of the first dunkees!

[Paul Warner]

Great fun, Marcia. My dad came up with a couple, the first: "Blo Peep", then came: "Oola" (no extra la needed), and last was: "Nautigal". As for me I'll have the Sloop du Jour, sil vous plait.

[Marcia Talley]

Paul, thanks for the memories!!

[Linda Sprenkle]

Frankly, I loved "The Kiev Sea." I still think it is a fine name for a musician's boat.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

SO great! Love this. I am SO impressed that you kept track. YOu are SUCH a writer! xooxo

[Mark]

I loved some of those obscure ones you put in at the end. And I really want to know the stories behind them.

[D Marie]

You win in the didn't have a lot of fun in Virginia that weekend contest. I at least got to enjoy Mathew from inside my house. Just wish the schedule had been reversed - tropical storm after replacing leaking window would have been preferable.