By Elaine Viets
"Cleanliness is next to godliness," my grandmother would say, as she took down the kitchen curtains for their weekly washing.
You read that right. Grandma Vierling washed and starched her café curtains every week. She also mopped and waxed the floors weekly and attacked the dirty wax build-up in the corners with a sharp knife.
I thought I knew about clean living, until I researched "Final Sail," my new Dead-End Job mystery.
In "Final Sail," Helen works undercover on a luxury yacht while she searches for an emerald smuggler on a trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas. (That's the resort in the photo.)
Helen and I learned the rich take cleanliness to a new level. Helen has to dust the clothes hangers and light bulbs. Helen also has to vacuum "in the tracks."
What? You’ve never done that?
"We don’t run a vacuum over the carpet every which way," Mira, the head stewardess, tells her. "We vacuum the way you mow a lawn, so there aren’t random tracks."
Read how the yacht bathrooms are cleaned in this scene from "Final Sail."
"This is the on-deck head," Mira said. "We have ten heads for the guests, including their stateroom baths." This one made Helen’s bathroom look like an outhouse. The commode was a beige sculpture. The granite sink had gold fixtures. Two fluffy hand towels hung on a brass rack.
"The heads are cleaned after each use," Mira said. "That will be mainly your job."
"Every time?" Helen tried to hide her disbelief.
"Yes," Mira said. "I’m sure you cleaned toilets when you worked at that hotel."
"Yes," Helen said. She doubted the men on the yacht had better aim than the hotel guests. If they missed on land, how steady would they be on a shifting ship?
"You’ll also clean the sink, the counter, the mirror and empty the wastebasket. The toilet paper has to be folded into points after every use. It’s stowed under the sink."
She opened the carved oak cabinet doors to show stacks of TP, towels and bars of deliciously fragrant Bvlgari soap.
"The labels on the toilet paper rolls should face out on the shelves," Mira said. "Towels are changed every time. They’re kept folded with their labels facing the same way. Most guests use the liquid soap, but if a bar is used, we put out a fresh one."
"Bvlgari is twenty dollars a bar," Helen said.
"Fifteen," Mira corrected.
"What happens to the used bar?"
"The crew gets it," Mira said. "Don’t expect to load up on fancy soap. You’d be surprised how many people don’t wash their hands."
"How do you know if a guest has used the head?" Helen was proud she’d remembered the nautical term.
"We keep in touch by radio." Mira pulled a two-way radio off her belt. "If I’m serving in the main salon and you’re doing laundry, I’ll radio you, ‘Guest X is coming back, used the on-deck head,’ and then you’ll clean it."
When Helen saw the master stateroom, she wanted to sink into the depths of the cushiony azure bed piled with dark blue pillows. "Most rich people’s homes are either fussy or gaudy," she said. "I could actually live here."
"All you need is twelve million for the yacht and another million a year to run it," Mira said.
"I’d better start buying lottery tickets," Helen said.
***
"Final Sail" will be published as a hardcover and an e-book May 1. Pre-order your books in both formats at bn.com http://tinyurl.com/82drqlp and amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/7dde3qe
Order signed hardcovers from Mystery Lovers Bookshop: http://tinyurl.com/6wmrhoq
I’ll sign "Final Sail" at the Malice Domestic mystery convention in Bethesda, Md., this weekend. Join me and three other mystery writers for a champagne and cake Sisters in Crime celebration Sunday at the Annapolis Bookstore. The next day I’m at the Festival of Mystery in Oakmont, Pa., and then signing in Fort Lauderdale. The following week, I’ll sign in Houston and St. Louis. Event details are at http://tinyurl.com/3yyvcsd
Got 40 seconds? See the "Final Sail" trailer http://tinyurl.com/8a77vah
LOL, Elaine! Will definitely snag a copy of this one at Malice. You know how much I love boating!
I remember that my grandmother used to wash and starch the table linens, and she would never dream of putting an unironed sheet on a bed! She had a mangle in the kitchen on which she pressed everything, including my grandfather's handkerchiefs.
Posted by: Marcia Talley | April 23, 2012 at 12:33 PM
Wow! Yacht life is so different from MY life!
I would love to hear how you researched this, Elaine. On occasion I have met people who worked on yachts, but they definitely worked on "lower class"yachts,compared to one in your book.
Posted by: Deb Romano | April 23, 2012 at 05:34 PM
The yacht I wrote about is big, but not the biggest. This one is 143 feet, but doesn't have a submarine or a helicopter. Somehow, the owners make do, Deb.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | April 23, 2012 at 06:51 PM
My mom also ironed sheets, Marcia. God bless the woman -- and it was a woman -- who invented permanent press.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | April 23, 2012 at 06:52 PM
My sister and I ironed many a bedsheet and tablecloth in our day. Thank goodness for modern times. :)
Elaine, I'll miss seeing you and the other Femmes at Malice. I'm taking a break this year. But looking forward to the new book! Have fun.
Posted by: Mary S. | April 23, 2012 at 07:12 PM
I ironed my father's shirts and handkerchiefs, too, Mary, and when we damped down starched laundry we had to iron it that day or it would mildew in the Missouri humidity.
Don't miss ironing at all. But I will miss seeing you at Malice this year.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | April 23, 2012 at 07:30 PM
What? You didn't have a refrigerator, Elaine? Dampened laundry will last several days in a plastic bag in the fridge. I speak from experience.
Posted by: Margaret Maron | April 24, 2012 at 04:18 PM
The fridge was full of food, Margaret. I was the oldest of four kids.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | April 25, 2012 at 07:00 AM
Elaine, how wonderful that it was a woman who invented permanent press! But tell me this: why does my iron have a "wash and wear" setting on it?
Posted by: Marcia Talley | May 02, 2012 at 02:36 PM
A man designed it.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | May 02, 2012 at 03:25 PM