A Dreadful Disguise

By Elaine Viets

Phil Sagemont, Helen’s husband and partner in their private eye agency, Coronado Investigations, has a problem. In FINAL SAIL, he works undercover at the home of a suspected killer. He needs to tail Blossom when she leaves her mansion, but his employer knows Phil. His distinctive looks are a handicap.

How does he disguise himself in Fort Lauderdale, a city touched by the sun? Even ordinary folks dress outrageously. Phil solves his dilemma with a trip to the tourist shops. In this scene from FINAL SAIL, my latest Dead-End Job mystery, Helen is packing to leave for her undercover job as a yacht stewardess when Phil shows off his disguises.

Phil barged into Helen’s bedroom with three bulging plastic bags.

"Retail therapy?" she asked. "You’ve never gone in for recreational shopping."

"I’ve been working," he said. "While you were lolling, I bought disguises to tail our suspect. I am no ordinary detective." Phil dropped the bags on Helen’s blue bedspread. Thumbs, attracted by the rustling and crinkling, jumped on the bed and cautiously circled the mound of bags. The cat sniffed prodded a red bag with his big six-toed paw. It crackled invitingly. Thumbs leaped on it and a shock of wild brown hair spilled out of the bag. The cat hissed, swatted the hair and disappeared under the bed.

"What’s in there?" Helen said. "It upset Thumbs."

"Items that will render me invisible when I follow Blossom," Phil said.

Helen ruffled his thick silver hair. "With that hair?"

"I am a master of disguise," Phil said. "Watch."

He disappeared into the bathroom with the bags. Helen was packing a navy canvas carryall for her yacht cruise. She folded a pink T-shirt into the carryall while Phil slipped out of the bathroom, a vision in black dreadlocks with a red, green and yellow rasta tam plopped on top. A neon tie-dyed shirt, red board shorts, and round John Lennon sunglasses completed the ensemble.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Don’t worry. Be happy."

Helen put her hands over her face and moaned, "My eyes, my eyes. I may go blind."

"You have to admit this doesn’t look like me."

"I recognize the smug look," Helen said. "Except for that, it’s a good disguise. Where’d you get the dreads and the tam?"

Phil pulled them both off his head. The dreads were attached to the hat. "No problem, mon," he said in a bad Jamaican accent. "All in one."

"I’ve seen pale guys on vacation with rasta tams and dreads," Helen said. "I didn’t realize they were wearing wig hats."

"It takes many beers to look this stupid," Phil said, abandoning the accent.

"What happens if you don’t catch Blossom the first time?"

"Wait and see," Phil said, shutting himself back into the bathroom.

"Ta-da!" Now he sported a camo visor with a burst of wild brown hair on the crown, like a clump of dead grass. A "Guns, God and Guts" T-shirt stretched across his chest. His jeans needed a wash.

 

"No wonder Thumbs hissed at the hair," Helen said. "If he sees the whole outfit, he may never come out from under the bed."

"You don’t like Bubba?" Phil asked. "I was hoping you’d admire my new look." He waited for a reaction.

Helen laughed.

"Laugh away. You haven’t seen Jimmy Ray," Phil said. "He’ll be here in a moment."

The bathroom door opened again. Phil lounged in the doorway. "Wanna go to the dump and shoot rats?" he asked.

Now he wore a greasy Marlins cap with dirty-blond curls hanging down the back of his neck. He had the same saggy jeans and a smiley face T-shirt with a gray bar across the mouth. "Silence Is Golden, Duct Tape Is Silver," the shirt said.

"What is that hairstyle?" Helen asked. "A half mullet?"

"Something fishy, darlin,’ " he drawled. He gripped a tin of Skoal chewing tobacco in one hand and a Dr. Pepper in the other.

"When did you start drinking Dr. Pepper?" Helen asked.

 

"I’m recycling," Phil said. "That’s where I spit my ’baccy juice."

 

"Ew," Helen said.

"Exactly the reaction I wanted, little lady," he said.

 

 

 

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

That Phil, he's so inventive!

Can't wait to read this one, Elaine. Best of luck with it.

[Storyteller Mary]

All my chores got sidetracked when I succumbed to _Final Sail_. Your books cannot be put down (and the chores can wait ;-)
I did want to jump in with some candied ginger for the seasick crew. A friend told me about ginger capsules on my first cruise, and I always take extra now, to help others.
I love the research you do, to just slip facts into the narrative and make it feel more real. Also the clarity of the writing is refreshing. Could those qualities be the journalism background? Well done!!

[Elaine Viets]

Thank you, Mary. I'll see Victoria, the crew chef, soon and ask her about candied ginger. Glad you enjoyed the book. FINAL SAIL is fun than chores and gentler on your hands than harsh cleaning liquids.

[Elaine Viets]

Thanks, Karen. And if you'd like your very own Rasta wig hat, just let me know.

[Diana in STL]

Can't wait to have lunch with Connie and pick up my copy. Sorry I missed you but the D.C. trip was good.

[Donna Andrews]

So what I want to know, Elaine, is whether you field-tested these disguises personally or made your saint of a husband do it?

[Elaine Viets]

Glad the DC trip went well, Diana. You were doing important work for ALS. That's far more lasting.

[Elaine Viets]

Donna, I would never do that to my wonderful husband. The tourists field-test these disguises after a few beers. Maybe they don't want anyone from home to recognize them.

[Marcia Talley]

As for the Skoal and the makeshift spittoon, I agree with Helen. Eeeuuuww! But what fun. I just love reading (and writing) about characters in disguise. To get to the bottom of an insurance scam, Hannah once got duded up as a trophy wife and dragged her father along to the brokers, dressed as an elder statesman/Texas oilman, complete with string tie. Dad had as much fun as she did.

[Elaine Viets]

Those trophy wife heels can do serious damage, Marcia. It's easier to walk in stilts.

[Karen in Ohio]

One of these days I'm going to dress in disguise and see how things go. We had a Halloween party once and a female friend who manages the nail salon dressed as an old man, complete with grey wig and mustache, limp, and stinky, dirty clothes. It took HOURS to figure out who she was. It was all in her attitude, too, which she nailed down perfectly.

Elaine, thanks, but you can keep it. Somehow I doubt I could pull that one off. LOL

[Elaine Viets]

You're too well dressed to even consider that disguise, Karen,

[Karen in Ohio]

Aw, thanks, Elaine.

[Marcia Talley]

Once while I was working at the GAO in D.C., I attended a press conference at the National Press Club wearing a raincoat, Suzie Wong wig and dark glasses.

[Elaine Viets]

Disguised as an Asian correspondent?

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Still laughing! xo

[Dana]

I would hiss at the wig and hide under the bed, too, Elaine. The recycled soda can as spitoon is perfect!

[Elaine Viets]

It's even uglier in real life, Dana. One of my friend's husband used to carry a soda can spittoon. Nice guy, except for that accessory.

[Victoria Allman]

Candied ginger and ginger tea are much more palatable than the original seasickness cure of chewing on raw ginger. I think you forget about being seasick since your mouth is on fire with that one.
Elaine was smart to suggest candied ginger instead.

Victoria Allman
author of: SEAsoned: A Chef's Journey with Her Captain

www.victoriaallman.com

[Elaine Viets]

Victoria knows what she's talking about -- she was my chef advisor for "Final Sail."