Love Me, Hate Me

By Sharon Potts

The first time I remember feeling it was when I was five years old.  I had danced in a ballet recital. The curtain went down, then came up to thundering applause.  All we little girls in our pink tutus hurried to the edge of the stage.  Parents and other people in the audience handed up beautifully wrapped presents, bouquets of flowers. My heart pounded with anticipation. I reached out for a box with a tangle of pink ribbons, but it was for another girl. I lunged for a bouquet of red roses. Not mine.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Didn’t they love me?

And then, as though by magic, I found myself holding a single white rose.

I don’t believe I’m that different from other people. I crave approval.  I want to be liked.  Loved is even better.  Unfortunately, my early careers weren’t the kinds that garnered many oooohs and ahhhhs. Think about it, when was the last time you hugged your accountant? But then twelve years ago, after selling the recruitment firm I’d owned, I began writing novels — the career of my heart. A career I hoped would bring me love and approval. 

Then the reviews came.

Yeah, yeah.  I know—authors are not supposed to read reviews of their books.  But tell the truth, you writers out there—don’t you Google yourself half a dozen times a day when you have a new book out?  And when someone, anyone, doesn’t adore your book, it hurts, doesn’t it?

The very first review I got for my debut suspense novel, IN THEIR BLOOD, hit me like a cold, stinky rag.

The liberal use of bad language and the "f" bomb were used so often that I wondered if the author was getting a bonus for every one she used.

A bonus? Really? So I counted "f" bombs.  I wouldn’t have made very much money and only the bad guys used bad language.

The reviewer continued:

The basic mystery was fair, but it was hidden so deep beneath uninspiring characters and cliché plot devices by the end I really didn’t care about the "whodunit."

Uninspiring characters.  Cliché plot devices.

Ouch. Ouch.

Remember, folks.  This was my very FIRST review of my very first published novel.  It had taken me eight years to get to this point and I had rewritten IN THEIR BLOOD eight times before it was accepted by a publisher. 

Several other reviews followed.  These new ones were positive.  But I hardly noticed.

Uninspiring characters.  Cliché plot devices.

That’s all I could focus on.

Then the review from Publishers Weekly came out.  A starred review!

I felt vindicated.  I started writing again.

For my second thriller, SOMEONE’S WATCHING, I was better prepared for the negative and the positive, but I still braced myself for the reviews.  I had chosen to take risks that might offend some readers, but it was more important to me to be true to my story than to try to please everyone. SOMEONE’S WATCHING did well.  Lots of positive reviews.  No hate mail.

I should have left things as they were. 

But a year and a half ago, inspired by old scrapbooks I’d found of my mother-in-law’s movie career in 1930s Berlin, I got a fresh idea.  My mother-in-law, whose stage name was Susi Lanner, had been a fairly prominent actress featured in over a dozen films. I was intrigued by a cigarette card (think trading card) that I found of her with a ruffled bonnet perched jauntily in her curls, a flirtatious smile on her lips.  And I thought about what it must have been like for her to have been an actress in Berlin at a time in history that was becoming increasingly dark and threatening.  The people she may have met.  The undercurrent of fear. The pressure to do or say the right things … or else.

And I thought, what if?   What if there had been another beautiful, struggling actress in Berlin at that time? And what if this other actress became involved with the wrong people and did things that would haunt her and her descendants throughout their lives? And so from an old cigarette trading card, THE DEVIL’S MADONNA was born.

The book I wanted to write explored some pretty chilling propositions. Possibilities that I recognized could make readers squirm in discomfort. But I felt the questions that arose were important ones. Can the innocent be guilty?  The guilty innocent? Should the sins of the fathers be visited upon their children?  (I believe the Bible took this one on, too.) At what point do we forgive? And who should be forgiven?

Edgy. Uncomfortable. Controversial. I did not want to write a pat, reassuring ending.  I wanted to make readers think.  To feel. To really consider.  But what if in doing so, readers hated my book? Or me? 

Should I have wrapped things up nicely?  I couldn’t. I felt it wouldn’t be honest.  My publisher agreed.  They were among the first to love the book.  And so on September 4, 2012, THE DEVIL’S MADONNA was officially released.

Early reviews are in. Some hurt.  I believe those reviewers misunderstood the book. Other reviewers love it.  Think it’s the best book I’ve written. I’m deeply grateful to them. 

Now the book is out there.  It’s up to the readers. And once again I feel as though I’m a five-year-old ballet dancer standing at the edge of the stage hoping someone will throw me a bouquet of flowers.

But a single white rose would do very nicely.

 

 

Sharon Potts is the critically acclaimed author of three thrillers about ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances.  Sharon has worked as a CPA and business executive and is vice president of the Florida chapter of Mystery Writers of America. Her novels include the award-winning IN THEIR BLOOD and SOMEONE’S WATCHING. In her latest thriller, THE DEVIL’S MADONNA, a young pregnant woman, threatened by a stalker, discovers secrets about her grandmother’s life in 1930s Berlin that will have devastating consequences for her marriage, her unborn child, and perhaps even the world.

Comments

[Storyteller Mary]

Here's your white rose -- you more than deserve it for writing this lovely and honest essay on the need we all have for approval.
I will now go get your book and put it high on the TBR mountain because your description of it has piqued my interest, and I want to explore new territory in my reading. I'm just finishing _Tale of Two Cities_ so it should be an interesting juxtaposition.

[Donna Andrews]

As a ballet school dropout--after the first lesson, the teacher suggested to my mother that perhaps it would be a waste of time for me to come back--I can relate to that early rejection!

And Mary's right--your description the book, and how you came to write it, is too intriguing. Mount TBR just inched up a little!

[Elaine Viets]

What a fascinating premise for a mystery, Sharon. And welcome to the Femmes.

[Sharon Potts]

Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, Mary and Donna. I do hope you love THE DEVIL'S MADONNA. (Here I go again--can't help myself!)
And thank you, Elaine, for allowing me to join the Femmes for a day.

[Elaine Viets]

It was a group decision, Sharon -- all the Femmes and our Frere, Dean, agreed.

[PJ Parrish]

I hate pat endings or books that tie everything up too neatly. Maybe that is why you don't see THE END on books anymore, because it is not really the end. The people you create in your books go on, and I think readers like to imagine what happens to them.

Congrats on not giving into what was easy!

As for ballet recitals...oh the flashbacks! I can still remember all the steps of mine! And how fat I looked in those blue sequins. Egads...

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Roses! And I loved this book, and I thought you knocked the end out of the ballpark!

And FYI, I got kicked out of ballet class. With me in earshot, Madame told my mother--in her thick french accent--your daughter is charming, but she'll never be a ballerina. I cannot teach her!

Luckily for me, huh?

All the best, dear Sharon!

[Mary]

Ballet as a source of trauma, wow, I had no idea. :) The things we learn here.

Devil's Madonna sounds great to me, Sharon. I love stories like this with a rich background, plus the forgive/don't forgive idea is so strong ... readers are gonna love it. Don't we all like to be pulled in different directions when reading? I think so. That's how the characters become real to us, when we're engaged emotionally and it transfers over to the characters. Possibly.

[Sharon Potts]

Who would have thought that so many wonderful crime writers were once traumatized by early ballet experiences! I'm surprised there aren't more murder mysteries involved dead ballet madames.
I'm grateful to you, Hank, for taking the time to read THE DEVIL'S MADONNA and for generously praising it. I'm cheering you on with your own launch of THE OTHER WOMAN. Kris (PJ)and Mary--I do hope you're both right that readers want to be challenged and are willing to consider "what if" scenarios that are very much out of the box. And for sure, the greatest reward for me is getting readers emotionally involved.

[Linraygh]

Sharon,

Roses for you! If people are loving it and other people are hating it, you've struck the right balance; if you try to please everyone, you take what makes you think right out of it. It's too bad people can't abide by the rule about not saying anything if they can't say something nice, but don't take the bad reviews to heart.
I can't wait to read The Devil's Madonna!

[Sharon Potts]

Thanks so much, Linda. I think it's fine if people are passionate about what I've written--much better than indifference.

[Nancy Cohen]

It's scary when a new book comes out. As a writer, you crave positive reviews but once our baby is out in the universe, it's up to chance. Chances are some reviewers will love it and chances are some will pick apart every detail...like editors do when they reject your work, until you find one who loves your writing. It's part of the job of being a writer to take the good with the bad.

[Lesley Diehl]

I prefer books with endings that makethe reader thin or wonder, so I know I'll love this one of yours. You deserve a whole garden of flowers for your honesty and courage for writing the "hard" book.

[Sharon Potts]

I appreciate your support and encouragement, Nancy and Lesley. What I probably didn't emphasize enough is how wonderful it feels when someone genuinely loves your work. Last night as I was walking my dog, I ran into a neighbor. She had a peculiar look on her face and then she said, "I must tell you, Sharon. I'm reading 'The Devil's Madonna' and you are a true artist."
Boy, did that ever make me feel great.

[Julie Compton]

Sharon, I have no doubt you deserve many roses for THE DEVIL'S MADONNA -- I can't wait to read it. It's such an intriguing premise.

I think writers and readers alike appreciate the honesty of your post. We do all hope to be loved - in writing and in life. Remember that a less than stellar review reflects only one person's opinion. Some will get it (like your smart neighbor!), some won't, but it's the ones who get it who will become your lifelong readers. If you write to please everyone, you risk a bland, formulaic story.

Good luck at the launch! I'll be thinking of you. :-)

[Sharon Potts]

Thank you, Julie. One of the greatest rewards of my writing career is being surrounded by wonderful, supportive writer friends like you.

[Hayden Cabell]

Thanks for referring me to your blog, Sharon. It is a wonderful essay! BTW, I started The Devil's Madonna last night - please don't be keeping me up until past midnight with another of your novels. I fear (and happily anticipate) that happening! :)

I totally identify with your watching your reviews with trepidation. As you know it's the same in the bed and breakfast industry. We happily take the "good" reviews, and with the "bad" we sometimes decide they just didn't "get it". :)

Here's expecting loads of good reviews for The Devil's Madonna!

[Sharon Potts]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words, Hayden. And here's a lovely postscript to my blog. Last night was my first book signing of THE DEVIL'S MADONNA. I was speechless when several people in the audience brought me white roses. I have learned just how potent the "good" can be.

[Madonna]

THE DEVIL’S MADONNA, a young pregnant woman, threatened by a stalker, discovers secrets about her grandmother’s life in 1930s Berlin that will have devastating consequences for her marriage, her unborn child, and perhaps even the world.Great stuff!