The Facts of Life

By Elaine Viets

At night, millions of Americans watch the news to think about the major issues of the day: What really happened in the Amtrak crash? Why won't Goldie Hawn tie the knot with Kurt Russell after thirty years? Why did the newly elected president of FIFA suddenly resign – and doesn’t his name, Seth Blatter, sound like Step Ladder?

Meanwhile, I’m wondering about a different, more perplexing problem:

Why is that couple in the Cialis ad holding in hands in separate bathtubs?

Cialis, which is supposed to help men with erectile dysfunction, targets the evening news shows. They are an enduring fixture. Turn on the news, and you can’t escape those twin tubbies.

 

Have you ever wanted to jump into two tubs and hold hands with your beloved?

Me, either.

When the ads first appeared, the twin tubs were everywhere. Now they’ve been semi-retired to the end of the commercials while we watch middle-aged couples smile at one another in gardens, on carousels, and most recently, folding laundry in the backyard.

Oh, yeah, the prospect of doing laundry with my husband is a major turn-on. Those dryer sheets really make me frisky. Hey, it worked in the ad. At the end of the commercial, they’re cuddling in a hammock.

Have you ever tried to get out of a hammock? Much less have sex in one?

The couple in that ad would wind up in the ER.

Which gets to the bizarre part of the twin tubs ad: Cialis is about sex, but there are no beds. Ever.

The Cialis ad people don’t look like they’d be up for adventurous romps on the beach, the kitchen table, or other offbeat, amusing places.

Nope, these folks would definitely want a comfy bed. King-size.

I’m not the only person bothered by the twin tubs. They’ve been annoying viewers for years.

In Psychology Today, way back in 2011, a doctor said the problem with those ads went back to our childhood. "First (and I hate to have to say it) but the vast majority of people do not like to see old people becoming sexually aroused," the doc wrote. She said this wasn’t ageism. "The cause has to do with something from our ancient pasts – we don’t like to think of our parents having sex. So in our unconscious minds, the couple in the ads are roughly equivalent to our parents – no matter how old we are."

Not true. My parents never had sex. Mom said she found all four kids under a cabbage leaf. I believe her – she hated cabbage.

Other people have pointed out that the bathtubs are associated with cleanliness, so the couple has had – or will have – good clean fun.

Except, if they needed the bathtub, they were dirty.

But the biggest revelation was the person who pointed out what should have been obvious: THE TUBS HAVE NO PLUMBING!

That’s why the ad is such a success. It confirms our secret wish:

Mom and Dad never had sex. They couldn’t.

  I’m going to soak my head.

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  If you're not hanging around a country club this summer, you'll enjoy CLUBBED TO DEATH. Helen Hawthorne is working at the snottiest club in South Florida. Win my 8th Dead-End Job mystery, CLUBBED TO DEATH. Go to www.elaineviets.com and click Contests.

 

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

That no-plumbing issue was the first thing I noticed when those silly ads came out. That, and oh, yeah--the tubs with no plumbing are out in the middle of nowhere. So... are they sitting in separate, dry tubs, naked?

It's truly one of the goofiest images in all of advertising. Thank you for writing about it, Elaine!

[Elaine Viets]

I like the tubs on the mountain top. I can see a line of sweating sherpas carrying the water up the slope.
Still, we remember the image. Does that mean Cialis won?

[catriona]

I've never seen the ads, but when I saw your picture the only thing I thought was that I liked the claw feet. I've got a dumpster-dived antique bathtub in my garage - footless - awaiting feet, for when we finally get round to doing up the bathroom.

[Elaine Viets]

We had an old house with a clawfoot tub, Catriona The best place for a long bubblebath and a good read.

[Sally Schmidt]

You're not going to soak your head in a tub, are you?? Thanks for some good laughs with my morning coffee.

[Elaine Viets]

Only when the moment is right, Sally.

[Ruth Nixon]

Enjoyed this post as it reminds me of my boys sliding down the slope in my parents claw foot tub and when I was younger at my aunt's house the Labs jumping in the tub with me

[Elaine Viets]

Dogs? Sliding down a slippery slope? There seems to be more going on in these tubs than hand holding.

[Marcia Talley]

I wish I could post a photo here of what we call "The Cialis Chairs" that sit at the end of a lane near our cottage in the Bahamas and overlook the harbour entrance. A popular spot!

[Elaine Viets]

But chairs offer more possibilities than bathtub hand-holding.

[Storyteller Mary]

Odd concept indeed . . . perhaps Helen can solve this mystery in your next book?

[Storyteller Mary]

I had an old claw-foot tub in a studio apartment in Minneapolis, built in the '20s, with Murphy beds, tiny closet for flip-out ironing board, and a little pass through door from hallway to kitchen for ice delivery. Baby kitten (Caesarian delivery, fed with eye dropper) from a stray who found her way to our building, used to play kitty handball in that tub, bouncing various bathtub toys off the sides. Broke my heart when the allergist declared, "Zat is a 4+ reaction, on ze scale uff 1-4. You must get rrrrrid of ze catz!"

[Elaine Viets]

This mystery may be too deep for Helen, Mary.

[Elaine Viets]

So sorry you lost your kitty.

[Charlaine Harris]

I wonder why the couples are all so very attractive. Apparently, the older people not only avoid beds, they avoid sex with anyone who can't be a cover model for casual wear. In or out of bathtubs in the middle of nowhere.

[Elaine Viets]

Maybe only cover models are dumb enough to hold hands in bathtubs in the middle of nowh4ere, Charlaine.