How to Make Sure Your Dream House isn't Haunted

Leigh / Toni: I'm delighted to welcome horror writer—and fellow New Englander—John McIlveen to the Femmes today. John's first novel, Hannawhere, was recently released and is getting well-deserved rave reviews. He's also published Inflictions, a collection of his short fiction.

Since John hangs out on the spooky side of the writing world, naturally he knows a lot about haunted houses. Though I'm not currently house-hunting, if I were, I would definitely make a note of his tips for making sure my dream house won't turn into a nightmare.

 

 

You’ve decided to buy a house? That’s nice…

Or is it?

Maybe you are getting more than you expected. Haunting and demonic possession are two of the more indefinable liabilities to today’s home buyers, and can literally mean Hell to pay for the unsuspecting new homeowner. Such phenomenon can greatly decrease the market value of a new home and the ensuing deaths have proven to weaken family bonds drastically. It is advisable to follow these few easy steps to ensure your new dream house is spiritually sound.

Foremost is location. Check the history of both the new home and the new hometown (if applies). It is imperative your home is not built – or to be built – on any type of ancient burial sites, especially Indian or animal. If any of the previous tenants had an affinity for inverted stars and black clothing, or in any way went mad, homicidal, suicidal, or did anything repeatedly with an axe, the owner may have a problem. Steer clear of towns or communities with names like Amityville, Castle Rock, or anything with ‘Moon’ in it. Beware of deserted towns, towns where everyone looks or acts the same, or where one particular, non-verbalizing person appears at all street corners or wherever the rear-view mirror might be directed. Do not live on Elm Street. Do not move to Maine.

Now that you are happy with the new hometown you’ve selected and you are sure the spirits of Cochise and Bambi still rest, you must now check the stability of the chosen house. For this test, bait is needed, preferably a small child, a proven favorite among demons and ghouls. If you don’t have a small child, borrow one. Animals have worked in the past, but on rare occasions. Strategically position the child in the center of a room that can be easily monitored from outside a window. If you can accomplish this without personally entering the house, all the better. From outside, watch the child for any uncharacteristic behavior. If the child begins speaking in Latin, some other unclassified tongue, or starts talking in a voice having any similarity to Axel Rose or Darth Vader’s, it is most likely not a good occurrence. If the child—or objects around the child—levitate, this is not good. If the child starts hissing, or its eyes glow, a new house may be in order. If any phenomena of this sort occur, it is advisable to shoot the child, preferably with a bazooka; simple bullets will not work. Decapitation may work, but has failed in the past, and leads to sizable cleaning bills.

If your new house passes the ‘child test’, things are looking good. It should now be safe to tour the house from the inside, but there are a few telltale signs you must be aware of in case your house is haunted by more advanced spooks, or ones who are aware of the ‘child test’. Never explore the basement, especially alone, for the source of sudden power outages, slamming doors, or any kind of rattling. Beware of appliances that start by themselves. If you do happen to come upon a stranger in your dream house, particularly ones bearing chainsaws, hatchets, meat cleavers, cheese graters, or gloves with talons, leave at once. Do not attempt to do battle; they are already dead and you will lose. Do not be enthralled by exceptionally beautiful ghosts; beauty is only ectoplasm deep. And finally, never ever accept gifts from dead things.

Have you completed all the tests without any odd episodes? If so, chances are the house is clean and worthy of purchase. Yet, for the sake of dormant spirits, repeat the ‘child test’ annually, and if while remodeling, you come across a hidden room, leave it hidden.

 

 

Comments

[Mario R.]

Every cliché in the book (so to speak) ... loved it! Thank you for the essay, John. Hannahwhere has just dropped down onto my Kindle. Really good horror books are scarce, and what between this essay and a blurb from F. Paul Wilson, I very much look forward to reading yours.

[Dana]

"Do not move to Maine"--snort!

Best of luck with HANNAHWHERE, John! It's terrific!

[Elaine Viets]

Welcome to the Femmes, John. And thank you for a hilarious blog. You gave new meaning to "child-proofing" a house.

[Alan Portman]

Very fun! I am a pizza dude. One of our regular customers lives next door to a house where Hubs bashed his wife in the head and then said she fell down the steps. The coroner didn't buy it and neither did the jury.

But someone moved into the house about a year after the trial. It did have new paint and windows.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

This is SO valuable! I will never look at house-hunting the same way again.

We;re happy in ours, though…

wait--what's that sound?

[Charlaine Harris]

I think Realtors are required to disclose to buyers if there's been a murder in the house, right? But I suppose that doesn't apply to ghosts!