An arctic wind is howling, the sleet is lashing your windows. It's a good night to stay in. You're in your jammies and robe, Netflix is fired up, and you call for a pizza.
But if Domino's has its way, you won't stay snug and warm. You'll have to fight the sleet and snow to pick up your pie.
Domino's is testing a new way to deliver pizza, according to Business Insider. A self-driving vehicle will bring your pizza to your home. No, wait. To your curb. You'll have to go down those slippery front steps, across your icy driveway and slide out to the self-driving car waiting at the curb, pick up your pizza, and go back through the wind and ice. You and your pie will arrive inside, dripping icicles.
Don't believe me? Here's the article: http://tinyurl.com/y7ecb5o6
This grim vision of the future will be offered to "randomly selected customers in Ann Arbor, Michigan," the article said.
Ann Arbor! A place where it's cold enough to freeze the balls off . . . a pool table. (Gotcha, didn't I?)
A Ford Fusion Hybrid autonomous research vehicle will deliver the pizza and a "Ford engineer will still be manually driving the car," the story said, "which will also be staffed with researchers eager to crack the code of how to deliver pizza without a driver — as well as observe how customers will react to the futuristic delivery service."
Here's my reaction: It's the worst idea since pineapple pizza, the darkest development in pizza history.
The article says, "Right now, the company's biggest challenge isn't getting a car to drive itself — it's getting the pizza from the curb to the door. In the Ann Arbor test, customers have to walk out to the parked car and retrieve their pizza from the vehicle's 'Heatwave Compartment' themselves."
Domino's already has a system for getting pizza from the Heatwave Compartment to the front door: They're called pizza drivers, one of the most underpaid, overworked jobs in the country. Pizza delivery is dangerous – more dangerous than being a cop. Pizza drivers are held up, hijacked and hit on by scum that's been scraped off a bar stool.
The pay is poor, and drivers are often stiffed for their tips. And pizza delivery batters the soul. Listen to Big Al the Pizza Dude. He's a character in my new Angela Richman, death investigator novel, Fire and Ashes. An important character. Eighteen-year-old Al helps bring to justice arsonists who are setting fires in the wealthy community of Chouteau Forest, Mo.
How does he find the vital information? Because pizza drivers are invisible.
Actually, they're worse than invisible. In Fire and Ashes, when Al delivers pizzas to a rich kid's party, Carlie answers the door – in skimpy flesh-colored underwear. She is underage, and keeps dropping her money so Al gets a good look at everything. Carlie taunts and teases Big Al. Death investigator Angela Richman worries that Carlie's older brothers, Kip and Duke, will beat up the handsome young driver for looking at their jail bait sister. Al explains why that won't happen in this scene in Fire and Ashes.
“You don’t get it!” Al was almost shouting. “You just don’t get it. Duke didn’t see me. Kip didn’t see me. Carlie didn’t see me. I was standing right in their house, but I’m invisible. I’m the pizza dude in a polyester uniform that stinks of pepperoni.”
“So you’re a ghost,” Angela said.
“No!” Al was pacing again. “I’m not a ghost. A ghost used to be human. I don’t exist in their world. They can say whatever they want around me. That’s why Carlie parades around naked in front of me. She gets to tease the nobody, the nothing, and I can’t do anything about it. If I tried to grab her, I’d be in jail. If I said anything, they’d beat me senseless. They can do what they want because I’m not a person. They don’t care what they say in front of me, any more than you care what you say in front of your couch. I’m not a person. I’m a thing.”
Angela had never heard a sadder—or more accurate—explanation of the Forest social structure.
Domino's wants to eliminate its overworked, unpaid, teased, taunted and invisible drivers with driverless cars – devices that subject customers to the same hardships the drivers endure – for at least 50 feet.
All I can say is – Domino's, you've got a lot of crust.
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Last day to win Fire and Ashes, the new Angela Richman, Death Investigator mystery. Go to www.elaineviets.com and click Contest.
Good Morning! I am the real Big Al. Elaine captures my life on the road very accurately. Although, since Ferguson, being a police officer has passed being a pizza driver on the Department of Labor dangerous job statistics. It has been a bad couple of years for the police.
The driverless car is a stunt, not an idea.
We are at a minimum a decade away from a self driving car being able to drive, in daylight, on smooth, well marked roads, in light traffic to its destination. This assumes a significant increase in map accuracy. Google maps does a pretty good job; better than 90% accuracy. But that is hardly good enough for pizza work. 10% off on a flight from St. Louis to Chicago means you will miss all of Cook county, not just miss the airport. Is your house less than three years old? You don’t exist at all in most mapping software. My store uses Microsoft Maps in Pulse, the Domino’s dispatch system. Its accuracy rate is closer to 70%. That’s right, two or three times a night, Domino’s computer system is giving drivers the wrong directions. It's favorite, routing through back yards to the house.
What will this thing do in rain and snow? Current driverless technology is based on the car "seeing" both the white side stripe and the lane markers. It is mid-January here in St. Louis; those things are under 3" of snow. Good luck finding its lane.
Come out to the curb and get your pizza? Whoever thought this would happen has never spent a night in a pizza store. I deliver to people in their PJs every night. One lady ordered twice a week. I probably saw her in real clothes less than once a month. She is partial to flannel plaid PJs, even in St. Louis summers. I deliver to people who don’t want to open their door as wide as the pizza box. We won’t even start with people who live in apartment buildings or are ordering from work. None of these people are coming to the curb.
When, and in the pizza world it is when, not if, the bad dude wants to steal the pizza what will this toy do? The on board tech might want to know the answer to this before not after a pistol is in his nose. I am not betting my life on it. I had a golf club thrown at my car before. When it is time to go, I want to go and go NOW.
And the biggest non starter of them all. The same company that wants no part of the liability of its drivers is going to insure cars and trips that it is 100% not doubt about it responsible for? I am thinking not just no.
Posted by: Alan P. | August 31, 2017 at 03:24 AM
There have also been stories about drone delivery. Under current US law, a commercial drone needs to be operated by an FAA licensed commercial pilot. Good luck finding many of those who will work for less than $8.00 an hour.
Posted by: Alan P. | August 31, 2017 at 03:27 AM
Thank you for stopping by, real Big Al. I am honored. Also glad to hear that self-delivery is a pointless stunt: We don't need to lose any more jobs.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 31, 2017 at 05:56 AM
Some of the smaller airlines now have pilots making $24,000 a year, Alan. And you won't find me on those planes. If the pizza companies do get cheap drone pilots, I can see the lawsuits piling up like pizza orders on a Saturday night: imagine relaxing in your yard when you're hit by a pizza drone.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 31, 2017 at 05:58 AM
I know some class action attorneys who are picking out a new Jaguar at the thought.
Posted by: Alan P. | August 31, 2017 at 07:55 AM
I stopped reading when you criticized pineapple on pizza. How could I take you seriously after that? ;)
Seriously, I don't trust driverless cars. Too many things can still go wrong with them. I know humans are far from perfect, but at least we can think for ourselves and make decisions based on what we are seeing around us.
Posted by: Mark | August 31, 2017 at 08:42 AM
I am skeptical as well. My helpful GPS (Athena in a good mood) will unpredictably turn into Iktomi the Trickster. "Turn left" -- into a lake. "Turn left" -- over a cliff. "Arriving at Julie's house" -- miles away in a totally unfamiliar neighborhood, but pointed in the right direction by a babysitter. Thank goodness for "the kindness of strangers" willing to give directions.
I feel for the underpaid delivery person, though, and the dependence on tips that might not be paid. I do wish for a better arrangement and a decent wage for all, and people willing to pay for their pizza, not threaten hard-working Al the Pizza Guy. <3
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | August 31, 2017 at 08:58 AM
LOL, Alan. I'm sure they're salivating at the thought of all those law suits.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 31, 2017 at 11:32 AM
Forgive me if I dissed your favorite pizza topping, Mark. I agree about the driverless cars. They're a long way from being roadworthy.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 31, 2017 at 11:33 AM
It still prefer people's directions over a GPS, Mary, which once sent me into a swamp. We need to make sure all our workers make a livable $15 an hour wage, and not have to depend on tips.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 31, 2017 at 11:35 AM