By Elaine Viets of the Femmes Fatales.
Recently, I chaired a writing contest. A woman I'll call Lisa, because that's not her name, sent in a short story instead of a novel, and a judge pointed this out to her. Lisa's answer?
I am an idiot. . . .I’m afraid I spread myself too thin . . . It is undeniably my error and I’m very sorry you invested your time . . . simply because I messed up. I feel dumb, dumb, dumb. (Picture me whacking my forehead with the heel of my hand.).
I rather smugly informed her, "Lisa, stop it! Nobody died or was crippled for life. You didn't understand some contest directions." I wondered why she was so hard on herself for a minor mistake.
But then I started listening to me. At a bookstore, I was standing in an aisle, looking at a rack of bookmarks. A man wanted to get around me to see the greeting cards. "Excuse me," he said.
"Sorry," I said. And apologized for my very existence.
I was supposed to be in that aisle. All I had to do was step aside and let him through.
Then I realized my day was full of apologies.
I also said "I'm sorry" when I interrupted two colleagues because I needed to discuss business with one. They were both were gossiping.
I should have said, "Excuse me." I had nothing to be sorry about, but I apologized anyway.
I also had to nag someone to turn in a document. My email began, "Sorry to bother you . . ." In truth, I wasn't sorry. I HAD to bother that person. It was my job.
I ended the day by apologizing to the cat, when I tripped over him in the dark. The poor cat deserved that apology.
But the others? No way.
So what's causing this sorry situation? There's no proof to back this up, but women seem to apologize more than men do, I'm sorry to say. We're told that our constant apologizing makes us look weak in the workplace, and spineless everywhere else.
Lindsey Stanbury wrote in Refinery 29,"There's even a Gmail plug-in that will prevent you from using sorry when you compose emails. #SorryNotSorry we like to apologize."
So am I sorry for all those extra sorries?
Nope, but I'm now watching out for them.
What's your take on this sorry situation? Do women apologize too much?
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When I was a kid and screwed up and said I was sorry, my mother would always reply "sorry doesn't help." It took me a long time to understand what she was getting at, but it sure did make me aware of what I was apologizing for and keep the apologies simple.
Posted by: Kathy Lynn Emerson | January 18, 2018 at 05:15 AM
My mother said that, too, Kathy Lynn. It must be in the Mom's Manual.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 18, 2018 at 06:13 AM
I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Honestly, I think that apologizing more could go a long way in our current society where people feel they are too entitled. Yes, Lisa was a bit over the top in her apology, but at least she took responsibility for her actions.
What's wrong with apologizing for being in someone's way even when you had the right to be there too or when interrupting people to discuss work instead of gossip?
If over apologizing is the least of your sins, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And, as I said before, I think we need more of that in society today.
And I'm not sorry for repeating myself.
Posted by: Mark | January 18, 2018 at 07:44 AM
You're right, Mark. The world needs more apologies, starting at the very top -- and I'm not sorry I said that.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 18, 2018 at 08:01 AM
Yeah, it's pretty interesting. Like when someone bumps into me, I always say-"oh, sorry."
When I didn't do anything!
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | January 18, 2018 at 09:26 AM
Exactly, Hank. We're apologizing for THEIR mistake.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 18, 2018 at 09:31 AM
In Jamaica "sorry" is used instead of "excuse me." I would respond with an assurance of "no, you're fine" as they would to my "excuse me." When it's rote manners, we don't really respond to ideas as much as the expression of courtesy.
Another self-diminishing habit is adding a qualifier like "I think" or "I just think" to a statement instead of confidently putting it forward. I used to make a point of that when helping students write stronger papers.
. . . and then there's that questioning inflection at the end of declarative sentences, which makes it hard to even listen to some speakers . . .
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | January 18, 2018 at 09:48 AM
". . . and then there's that questioning inflection at the end of declarative sentences, which makes it hard to even listen to some speakers . . ."
You got me there, Mary. I hate that habit and I'm not sorry about it, either.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 18, 2018 at 10:16 AM
Elaine, in fact there is proof to back up the observation that women apologize more than men.
https://www.livescience.com/8698-study-reveals-women-apologize.html
I think your goal to limit your apologies to those times when you have something to apologize for is a great idea. Apologizing too often can be off-putting. if I'm giving somebody feedback, I don't want them to say "I'm sorry." I want them to say, "I understand and will do something about it," or even, "I don't agree, and I'm not changing."
Posted by: Toni LP Kelner | January 18, 2018 at 01:12 PM
Good points, Toni, and thanks for the proof.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 18, 2018 at 05:39 PM
I've become more aware of how often I apologize for things I have no need to apologize for. I've been making an effort to stop apologizing for existing. I'm still polite: "please", "thank you", and "excuse me" I continue to use liberally but "I'm sorry" is reserved for when I make a mistake.
Posted by: Alexia | January 21, 2018 at 06:37 PM
A good resolution, Alexia, and one that I should try to follow.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 22, 2018 at 06:04 AM