My Weblog: Be your own Valentine

by Kris Neri, with the Femmes Fatales

Since it's Valentine’s Day, I’d like to ask what it means to you? For some who are happily committed, it’s the most romantic day of the year. Yet cynics often regard it as a fake holiday started by the greeting card companies to boost card sales between Christmas and Easter.

In fact, the cynics are wrong. According to the History Channel, while some believe that Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Saint Valentine’s death or burial—which probably occurred around A.D. 270—others claim that the Christian church may have decided to place St. Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to “Christianize” the pagan celebration of Lupercalia. Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.
To begin the festival, Roman priests would sacrifice a goat for fertility, and a dog for
purification. They would then strip the goat’s hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, gently slapping both women and crop fields with the goat hide.

Okay, so not a fake holiday created by the card companies after all, but I do find the practice of just exchanging cards more appealing that being flogged by bloody goat-skin strips.

Still, Valentine’s Day can be a complicated holiday. Unattached singles sometimes find it an unpleasant reminder of their single-state. Newer dating couples often feel unsure what if anything they should exchange, since the holiday seems to force a commitment that isn’t there yet. And some committed couples think that love should be celebrated every day, instead of just once a year. Even kids sometimes feel the hurt, when classmates exclude them from Valentine distribution lists. Shame on those kids!

While I’d like to see the holiday devoted to expressing our love for everyone we care about, be they lovers, or family members and friends, I’d also like to see us express love and acceptance to one who is too often forgotten. Ourselves. Too many of us judge ourselves so much harsher than we would ever judge others. We say terrible things in our self-trash talking, things we would never say to other people. We accept ourselves only conditionally: you know, I’ll accept myself when I lose that weight, finish writing a novel, get a promotion, etc., etc., etc.,

The need for self-acceptance is the theme of my forthcoming (only one more month
now!) novel, Hopscotch Life. Poor Plum Tardy, the protagonist of Hopscotch Life. Once she hits her rock bottom of awful losses, she can barely offer herself even conditional approval.

Since that’s true for too many people who don’t recognize themselves for the amazing creatures they are, I’ve created a handout of ways to help improve your self-acceptance.

Here it is:

* Be kind to yourself.
Nobody judges us more than we judge ourselves. Take a look at some of your worst self-judgements and resolve to let them go, once and for all. Focus instead on everything that’s good about you.

* Believe in yourself.
Celebrate your accomplishments and what’s unique and great about you. When something good happens for you, or if you receive some recognition of your value, keep souvenirs of that experience or write about how those things make you feel. When doubts creep into your thinking, take out the reminders of your accomplishments and review them.

* Practice gratitude.
Nothing helps us to feel good about ourselves and our circumstances like focusing on what we appreciate about them. You’ll begin to feel better about your life if you shift your focus from what’s wrong with you, to everything that’s right, and everything you’re grateful about experiencing.

* Grieve the loss of unrealized dreams.
For some, failing to achieve unrealistic goals may lead to a lack of self-acceptance.
Mourn what hasn’t come about, but don’t weight it higher than what you have accomplished and all that’s worthy about you. Realize you can always set a course that’s better for you.

* Stay positive.
Work at living your life in an atmosphere of positivity. See the good in any situation, and express gratitude for that. Repeat positive affirmations to yourself. Hang up inspirational arts, or vision boards that project that spirit. Be aware that transitory bad moods are only temporary. Challenge your inner critic with a genuine awareness of your worth.

* Accept imperfection.
Let go of whatever unrealistic vision of perfection you hold. Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be, and celebrate the wonderful, unique being that you are. Perfectionism isn’t about trying to be your best—it’s a self-destructive form of blame for not living up to someone else’s ideal. Let go of what you think perfection looks like. Whatever mistakes we might have made, they’re never as big a deal as we tend to think they are.

* Forgive.
It’s hard enough to forgive others, especially when their sins against us are great, but
you can’t heal without letting go of your grievances. As hard as it is to forgive others, it can be infinitely harder to forgive ourselves for whatever mistakes we think we’ve made. You cannot move into a place of joy and grace if you’re holding onto whatever you blame others and yourself for doing. Forgive others for their mistakes. Forgive yourself for your own mistakes, and for not knowing what your own healing would require.

* Establish a support system.
Surround yourself with loving people. If you spend time with people who negate your self-worth, you may have a harder time accepting yourself. When people do treat you negatively, accept that as more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves, than a statement about you. But also realize you deserve to be surrounded by good, loving people who will help to build you up, not tear you down.

So…how do you practice loving self-acceptance? Have you had to overcome some hurdles to reach the point of self-love? Have you witnessed others who have?

Will you be your own Valentine?