by Kris Neri
Not to get too political, but, for the most part, I don’t
believe in the death penalty, primarily because of the possibility of
investigative, prosecutorial, or jury error. However, I would happily make an
exception for whoever invented those interactive voice response systems.
You know what they are — they’re the machine-voice systems
that takes us through a variety of menu choices, responding to the answers we
provide, which virtually every major corporation uses for its customer service and tech support lines these days.
I recognize that these systems are quite a
technological advancement — after all, we’re talking to a machine, and it’s
responding. And there’s no question that some technological advances we’ve seen
have dramatically improved our lives. But others only seem to extract a heavy
toll in my opinion. I put the interactive voice response systems in the latter
category. I considered them one of the petty tyrannies of modern life — “petty”
because dealing with these menus aren’t life-threatening after all, we just
feel like pulling the plug while interacting with them, and “tyrannies”
because, given enough interaction, these tedious conversations do feel like
torture. Besides, it’s pretty high-handed to foist these systems on customers
in the name of customer service.
I should know. I’ve logged lots of time in conversation with
these machine-voices lately, with two different companies.
A persistent problem developed with the On Demand portion of
our satellite TV service, provided by Dish Network.
I have to say Dish’s machine-voice menu isn’t the most
terrible that I’ve dealt with. Oh, sure, it still
requires moving through
multiple menu levels before it’s possible to get to a live person. And when I
have reached someone live in any of the first half-dozen or so calls, that
person never knew why we were getting that particular error message, and led me
through lots of pointless procedures that never solved the problem. Eventually
though, I managed to secure the name of a department that might be able to help
me. I actually felt like a detective while working my way through the Dish
Network culture, trying to find the one department that might have an answer
for me. You’d almost think they didn’t want their customers to have that
information.
Eventually, I did reach someone who told me it was a
system-wide problem that they were working on, and they expected to have it
fixed in the near future. Sure enough, about a week of that call, it was fixed.
But you’d think if it was system-wide, it should have been that hard to secure
a useful answer prior to that.
That’s actually pretty good customer service
in 21st century corporate America. Also, by comparison, it proved to
be much easier to solve than our other techno problem.
We have also been suffering from major slowdowns and daylong
outages of our DSL broadband service from Century Link. Nobody actually needs
On Demand satellite TV, though we do like it. But most of us do require Internet service. Since I teach online writing classes for the UCLA Extension
School’s Writers’ Program, I’m AWOL on my classes if I can’t get online. I
could always go to my bookstore or a coffee shop, and work from those places,
but I find both options too distracting. I get more work done faster if I can
do it from home. That’s become mostly impossible lately, however.
The worst parts of my internet outages is that to find some
answers, I have to continually interact with
a machine-voice menu system, and
Century Link’s is particularly challenging, goes on forever, and then, despite
promises I’ve reached from various live and machine-people, my service never
improved. That meant I had to keep calling. One thing I find particularly
curious about it is that Machine-Guy always asks for my account number, often
at least twice. But then, when I finally reach a live person, one of the first
things that person asks me for — after my first name, so we can form a warm,
personal connection — is for my account number. Can’t Machine Guy pass that on?
Maybe he keeps asking because he forgets. Machine-Dude, pay attention!
Machine Guy’s continual demands for the account number can’t
possibly be a delaying tactic, right? An intentional annoyance designed to make
us get fed up and go away before we reach a live voice? They couldn’t possibly
be that cynical, could they?
It used to be easier to skip ahead in these conversations
with the various Machine-Guys and Machine-Gals that exist in corporate systems.
Lots of people discovered that if you keep hitting “0” on the phone dial, you
had a better chance of being switched quicker to a live person.
But they’re on to us now. Century Link’s system is anyway.
Their Machine-Guy says, “I’ll be happy to transfer you, but first I need to get
more information." Then he asks a variety of other questions, including a
request for my account number. Again. His voice might be well modulated and
polite, but all I hear is, “Nah-nah, I won’t let you talk to anyone.”
I can’t actually give the live people much higher marks at
Century Link. Even after hours of trying, the tech support people were rarely
able to reverse my outages. And the local service people sometimes forgot to
respond to the service calls the tech support folks set up, even though they
required me to stay home for four-hour stretches. During which I usually had no
Internet coverage. Oops!
In my bookseller mode, I recently placed an order for
greeting cards from the Leanin’ Tree company, a new vendor for us. To my
surprise when I called to talk to a rep, their phone was answered by a live and
unusually helpful receptionist. When the rep didn’t immediately answer her
phone, the receptionist tried to find her first, before sending me onto her
voicemail, which she clearly regarded as a last resort. And the rep called me
back within minutes of leaving my voicemail message. All of this made me want
to do business with their company.
Why don’t more corporations see the kind of mileage they’d
get from distinguishing themselves by actually giving good, immediate,
personalized service, rather than scheming for ways to make their service less
accessible?
Getting back to my broadband…as if this writing, it’s back
to its formerly decent level of service. The
final repairman told me our cable
at the hub was so badly cracked it rarely made contact. He also regarded the
port we were connected to as iffy. The new cable and a different port cleared
the problem up. The curious part is that the first repairman told me the same
thing, about the cable anyway. He said he changed it out. The answer became
clearer when the final guy added that he gave me a brand new cable, refusing to
reuse an old one. Was that what happened? Did the first guy replace a cracked
cable with another cracked cable because the company discouraged them from
using new parts? Isn’t that part of what I’m paying for?
I’m thrilled to have my service back, of course. After
almost nine years with this provider, I didn’t want to have to go through the
bother of switching. Especially since I installed another modem when things
went south, which proved to be unnecessary since the problems were on their
end. I didn’t want the expense of a second new modem, which I’d need if I went
to another carrier.
I seriously considered it, though. Just so I wouldn’t have
to talk to the same Machine-Guy anymore because our relationship had irrevocably broken down, worse even than my DSL service. I wonder if a new Machine-Person would have asked for something other than
my account number.
Which of the petty tyrannies of modern life do you hate the
most?
Leave a comment and you may win a copy of one of my Tracy
Eaton mysteries, Dem Bones’ Revenge. I’ll randomly choose one person out of
those leaving comments.